These are the JOKES folks!

We hope these jokes are entertaining to you; however, maintaining a positive image as public officials and role models is important to all of us. We make an effort to minimize any offensiveness. If they do offend you, we are sorry. If you find one you think is inappropriate, please send us one of yours and ask us to replace the joke that offends you. We will give it due consideration.


A Fire chief was fuming after his crew tricked him into using a fake 'high tech' clicker to turn red traffic lights green on 999 shouts. Sub officer John Beamson, 43, received a letter at his station with the remote control to test. The letter on headed Brigade paper said if he pointed the "state of the art" device at red traffic lights they should change.

For a month every time the fire engine approached lights John would lean out the front window furiously pressing the clicker. But behind him six colleagues from Green Watch at Esher Fire Station, Surrey, were fighting off the giggles. For all their boss had was a remote control light switch clicker that can dim or turnoff ordinary bulbs. The joke lasted until yesterday when colleagues from a rival station revealed that the letter which sparked the Fireman Scam was as fictional as TV's Fireman Sam. A Brigade Insider said: "It was hilarious. He would start 'firing' the device at red lights clicking like mad from 100 yards out.

His face used to light up when is a light turned to green. He realize it wasn't his clicker - just the light changing normally. The jokers letter guarded against the lights staying red. It said the clicker to be held at an exact 10 degree angle to the lights to work. And it added that older light systems would not respond and should be reported. The source said, "The boss was hanging out of the window come rain or shine. "When lights stayed red he used to make a note of the junctions, mutter to himself and shake the clicker about. "The lads were all encouraging him, but were splitting their sides. The equipment was a bit of junk from one of the lad's homes - but it has been put through an exhaustive road test by the boss.

"It was a bit of fun that we didn't expect to work - one of the best wind-ups ever."

Yesterday John, a fireman for 20 years, was not amused. He moaned: "I am not at all happy about this. It makes both self and the Surrey Fire and Rescue Service look a laughing stock. "If you have an jerk for a governor then fair enough. But I am very good to all the lads."

"I can laugh at myself like anyone else. But this was over the top. Letters were forged there was a false document, disciplinary actions could follow. I didn't find it funny' A Brigade spokesman said "John was the unfortunate victim of a long running practical joke. "We all hope he ends up seeing the funny side"

Brought to you by www.fsnbf.org.uk


A firefighter and his bride to be were killed on their way to the wedding. When they reached heaven they spent the first two weeks enjoying the wonder of it all however they still desired a wedding. So the truckie goes to St Peter and asks if it is possible to have a wedding in Heaven.

"I don't know," said St . Peter. "I'll get you an appointment with the Chief and you can ask him."

Two weeks later the couple are escorted in to a meeting with the Lord where they repeat their request. The Lord pondered a minute and said, "Give it five years and if you still want to get married come ask me again."

The couple were unhappy but time flies in heaven so they went about their business for the next five years and returned to ask the Lord once again. Again he asked them to "wait five more years and see." They left and waited for five more years before returning to see the Chief again. This time he had a different answer.

"My children you may certainly get married. In fact, the whole wedding is on me! Be in the gardens next Saturday at 10 AM."

On the appointed day they arrived to find the most beautiful sight they could have imagined. Flowers were everywhere, the heavenly choir was in great voice, Ghandi was there is his best robe sitting by Golda Miere. It was a joyous ceremony.

Unfortunately after a few week the firefighter and his bride decided it was all a mistake. So once more they had to go in front of the Lord to ask for a divorce.

After hearing their plea, the Lord leaned close and shook his head.

"Sorry, I can't do it. It took me ten years to find a priest up here. How long do you think it would take me to find a lawyer?"

chief@fireweb.com


Not exactly a joke, but cute anyway. Thanks to jwnelson@facstaff.wisc.edu

***************************************************************

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF EMERGENCY VEHICLE OPERATION

1. Thou shalt threat thy pumper as though it were your firstborn child.

2. Blow thy siren and shine thy light with great vigor enroute.

3. Know where thy goest at all times.

4. Be certain all those in attendance are affixed prior to venturing forth.

5. Thou shalt arriveth shiny side up.

6. Be ever so humble when thy mike is keyed.

7. Thou shalt not leave thy station 'til thy door is openeth.

8. Thou shalt not closeth thy bay door too soon.

9. Thou shalt closeth all compartment doors when thou art done.

10. Thou shalt never chastise thy driver for making a wrong turn when it results in a Return to Quarters.


A man was pulled up unto a beach by a rescuer. The old back pressure schafer prone method of resuscitation was performed. Each time the rescuer would apply pressure to the mans back, water would expel from his mouth. The rescuer continued, and again water would come out. He pressed again, and once again more water came out. Then small fish started coming out, more water, then seaweed started coming out. A young excited boy ran up to the rescuer and exclaimed. Hey mister! You'd better get that guy's butt out of the water or your gunna pump that lake dry!

03/21/97 Jeff Damm Virginia Mn. RyanDamm@virginia.k12.mn.us


I heard this story last night and couldn't resist passing it along. A close friend of mine is finishing up her field instruction with our local, large corporation ambulance company. Her instructor, who earlier on explained that a loud call of "dog in the road" was a signal from driver to attendant that the breaks would be applied firmly and forcefully in order to throw off a combative or otherwise uncooperative patient.

Seems that last tour while transporting a 72 hour hold patient, he broke lose from four point restraints. My friend relayed this to her Field Instructor/Driver by saying something along the lines of "Our patient has decided to leave" when said instructor gave the heeded signal, "Dog in the road!"

My friend grasped what she could for dear life as Billy slammed on the breaks.

Thanks to the life saving features of ABS, the patient thanked my friend for the ride, hopped out the back as the ambulance coasted to a halt, and disappeared into the night. I think they are still trying to find him to sign the AMA form.

Capt. Will Dunn
EMS Operations
Cherryvale FPD
Boulder, CO


Anyone can make a mountain out of a mole hill. A Forest Hills firefighter
can make a mountain out of a ravine.

Alan
amunn@pfmc.net
PO Box 750839
Flushing, NY 11375-0839 USA


In a recent fire in Idaho, the city firemen were cooperating (to use the word loosely) with the Forest Service fire fighters. At one point, a city fireman told the following joke:

How does a Forest Service fire fighter handle a fire on the kitchen
stove?

He lights a back burn on the living room sofa.

Michael Carpenter mcarp@boi.hp.com


We went on a call one day and when we arrived on scene, there was a very irate woman, and a man with a car antenna sticking out of his chest, we transported him with the police officer riding with us. In the back, I turned to the police officer and said, "Hey, what happened to this guy, anyway?" and the police officer proceeded to tell me the story..
This man was driving a van, on the side of the van was a picture of a naked woman. The woman in the next car didn't like the picture and got out of her car and started yelling at the man. When he didn't respond, she broke off the antenna on the van and started scratching the picture up. When he tried to take the antenna away from her, she screamed at him and stabbed him in the chest.. The man died on the way to the hospital... He finally died of Van Ariel disease

karebear@DELTAINET.COM (3/2/97)


YOU'VE HEARD OF THE FIRE TRIANGLE? NOW YOU HAVE THE FIRE SQUARE. FUEL,OXYGEN,HEAT SOURCE,AND THE CHIEF. TAKE ANY ONE AWAY AND THE FIRE GOES OUT
eckl@worldnet.att.net(3/2/97)


A new Navy Lieutenant JG was assigned to a weapons storage facility where the Fire Chief was a crusty old Chief Petty Officer. He had been told very specifically to watch the old chief, learn from him and not get in his way. On his second day at the site a fire broke out in the weapons storage area. He rushed to the scene with the old Chief to watch. soon the small arms ammo started cooking off. The Chief turned to his aide said " Quickly, get me red vest!" The aide departed like he was on fire himself to retrieve the vest. The Lt., wanting to understand every action the Chief took asked him why he needed the vest.

"Well sir it's like this," the Chief replied. This is a very dangerous situation. I might get hit by shrapnel at any moment if my firefighters new I was injured it would disheartened them completely. So, I wear the red vest hoping they won't see the blood."

The Lt. considered this carefully then turned to the aide and in his best command voice said "Quickly, go get my brown pants!!"

 

Da Chief DaChief.EMC@worldnet.att.net (16 Feb 97)


Bill was injured in a fall and lost his memory. He was taken to a hospital where they tried to help him regain his memory and find out who he was through long counseling sessions. During the weekly patient evaluation meeting the boss asked about Bill.
"Well sir it's difficult," the case worker replied.
"How so," asked his boss? "Have you questioned him in depth and repeated the same questions over and over?
"Yes sir."
"Have you picked at every little thing he can remember and harped on it day after day?"
"Yes sir"
"Have you tried pressuring him by raising your voice and moving around him constantly?"
"Yes sir."
"And all this received no response?'
"No sir, the only thing we've learned is we think he may be a firefighter."
"Oh, why's that?"
"Well, every now and then his head jerks straight up, his eyes glaze over, and he says sharply "YES CHIEF!"

Da Chief DaChief.EMC@worldnet.att.net (16 Feb 97)


One day a lady was cooking some bacon in her kitchen. She became careless, and managed to set the kitchen on fire. She ran to a neighbors house and call 911. A firefighter answer the phone and asked what the problem was. The lady quickly answered "My kitchen and house are on fire! Help!" "Ok ma'am," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" . The lady thought and said "Well, don't you still have those big red fire trucks?"

William McCarron wmccarron@monmouth.com (16 Feb 97)


It was a few days after Christmas:this little boy who got a fire engine for x-mas was playing while his mom was listened from the kitchen. He was acting like the old captain rolling up on a structure fire:

" ALL RIGHT GUYS, GET YOUR !@#@# TOGETHER AND PUT THAT &*^%^%$ FIRE OUT NOW!!!".

Hearing this upset his mother who came running into the room and sent him to the bedroom for 2 hours. Two hours later he came out of his room and resumed play(with his mom listening cautiously from the kitchen) "

"All right guys let's mop it up." then he turned to the imaginary owner of the house and said, " If your **^&^&^% about the two hour delay talk to the old bat in the kitchen.

LL130000 cailab59@palomar.edu (16 Feb 97)


As the Gulf War ended, two soldiers are standing on a sand dune, one from Texas and one from Tennessee. The two are looking out over one of the huge oil field fire set by Iraq troops. The boy from Tennessee having had to suffer through the countless Texan stories about how everything is bigger in Texas says to the Texan, I guess you guys have bigger oil field fire than that, uh? The Texan pauses a minute and says, " no but we've got a fire department in Houston that would put that out in about 15 minutes!"

jmoore@erinet.com (2 feb 97)


Murphy's Laws of EMS

All emergency calls will wait until you begin to eat, regardless of the time.

COROLLARY 1: Fewer accidents would occur if EMS personnel would never eat.

COROLLARY 2: Always order food "to go".

THE PARAMEDICAL LAWS OF TIME:

1. There is absolutely no relationship between the time at which you are supposed to get off shift and the time at which you will get off shift.

2. Given the following equation: T + 1 Minute = Relief Time, "T" will always be the time of the last call of your shift. E.g., If you are supposed to get off shift at 08:00, your last run will come in at 07:59. (Or if you have early relief coming in you will see you relief sitting at the first stop light from the station, waving!)

THE PARAMEDICAL LAW OF GRAVITY:

Any instrument, when dropped, will always come to rest in the least accessible place possible.

THE PARAMEDICAL LAW OF TIME AND DISTANCE:

The distance of the call from the Hospital increases as the time to shift change decreases.

COROLLARY 1: The shortest distance between the station and the scene is under construction.

THE PARAMEDICAL RULE OF RANDOM SYNCHRONICITY:

Emergency calls will randomly come in all at once.

THE RULE OF RESPIRATORY ARREST:

All patients who are vomiting and must be intubated will have just completed a large meal of Barbecue and Onions, Garlic Pizza, and Pickled Herring, all of which was washed down with at least three cans of Beer.

THE BASIC PRINCIPLE FOR DISPATCHERS:

Assume that all field personnel are idiots until their actions prove your assumption.

THE BASIC PRINCIPLE FOR FIELD PERSONNEL:

Assume that all dispatchers are idiots until their actions prove your assumption.

THE AXIOM OF LATE-NIGHT RUNS:

If you respond to any Motor Vehicle Accident call after Midnight and do not find a drunk on the scene, keep looking: somebody is still missing.

THE LAW OF OPTIONS:

Any patient, when given the option of either going to Jail or going to the Hospital by a Police Officer, will always be inside the Ambulance before you are.

COROLLARY 1: Any patient who chooses to go to Jail instead of the Hospital has probably been in my rig in the past.

THE FIRST RULE OF EQUIPMENT:

Any piece of Life-saving Equipment will never malfunction or fail until: a)You need it to save a life, or b)The salesman leaves.

THE SECOND RULE OF EQUIPMENT:

Interchangeable parts don't, leak proof seals will, and self-starters won't.

THE FIRST LAW OF AMBULANCE OPERATION:

No matter how fast you drive the Ambulance when responding to a call, it will never be fast enough, until you pass a Police Cruiser, at which point it will be entirely too fast. Unless you are responding to an "Officer Down" call then it is physically impossible to be travelling fast enough!

PARAMEDICAL RULES OF THE BATHROOM:

If a call is received between 0500 and 0700, the location of the call will always be in a Bathroom.

If you have just gone to the Bathroom, no call will be received.

If you have not just gone to the Bathroom, you will soon regret it.

The probability of receiving a run increases proportionally to the time elapsed since last going to the Bathroom.

BASIC ASSUMPTION ABOUT DISPATCHERS:

Given the opportunity, any Dispatcher will be only too happy to tell you where to go, regardless of whether or not (s)he actually knows where that may be.

COROLLARY 1: The existence or non-existence of any given location is of only minor importance to a Dispatcher

COROLLARY 2: Any street designated as a "Cross-street" by a Dispatcher probably isn't.

COROLLARY 3: If a street name CAN be mispronounced, a Dispatcher WILL mispronounce it.

COROLLARY 4: If a street name CANNOT be mispronounced, a Dispatcher WILL mispronounce it.

COROLLARY 5: A Dispatcher will always refer to a given location in the most obscure manner as possible. E.g., "Stumpy Brown's Cabbage Field" is now covered by a shopping center.

THE FIRST PRINCIPLE OF TRIAGE:

In any accident, the degree of injury suffered by a patient is inversely proportional to the amount and volume of agonized screaming produced by that patient.

THE GROSS INJURY RULE:

Any injury, the sight of which makes you want to puke, should immediately be covered by 4x4's and Kerlix.

THE FIRST LAW OF EMS SUPERVISORS:

Given the equation: X - Y = Quality of Care where "X" is the care that you render and "Y" is the assistance supplied by any Supervisor. If you can eliminate "Y" from the equation, the Quality of Care will improve by "X".

COROLLARY 1: Generally, Field Supervisors have no business in the Field.

COROLLARY 2: The level of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.

COROLLARY 3: Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

THE LAW OF PROTOCOL DIRECTIVES:

The simplest Protocol Directive will be worded in the most obscure and complicated manner possible. Speeds, for example, will be expressed as "Furlongs per Fortnight" and flow rates as "Hogsheads per Hour".

COROLLARY 1: If you don't understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.

COROLLARY 2: If you can understand it, you probably don't.

THE LAW OF EMS EDUCATORS:

Those who can't do, teach.

THE LAW OF EMS EVALUATORS:

Those who can neither do nor teach, evaluate.

THE PARAMEDICAL LAW OF LIGHT:

As the seriousness of any given injury increases, the availability of light to examine that injury decreases.

THE PARAMEDICAL LAW OF SPACE:

The amount of space which is needed to work on a patient varies inversely with the amount of space which is available to work on that patient.

THE PARAMEDICAL THEORY OF RELATIVITY:

The number of distraught and uncooperative relatives surrounding any given patient varies exponentially with the seriousness of the patient's illness or injury.

THE PARAMEDICAL THEORY OF WEIGHT:

The weight of the patient that you are about to transport increases by the square of the sum of the number of floors which must be ascended to reach the patient plus the number of floors which must be descended while carrying the patient.

COROLLARY 1: Very heavy patients tend to gravitate toward locations which are furthest from mean sea level.

COROLLARY 2: If the patient is heavy, the elevator is broken, and the lights in the stairwell are out.

THE RULES OF NON-TRANSPORT:

1. A Life-or-Death situation will immediately be created by driving away from the home of patient who has just thrown you out of their house.

2. The seriousness of this situation will increase as the date of your trial approaches.

3. By the time your ex-patient reaches the witness stand, the Jury will wonder how patient in such terrible condition could have possibly walked to the door and greeted you with a large suitcase in each hand.

THE FIRST RULE OF BYSTANDERS:

Any bystander who offers you help will give you none.

THE SECOND RULE OF BYSTANDERS:

Always assume that any Physician found at the scene of an emergency is a Gynecologist, until proven otherwise.

COROLLARY 1: NEVER turn your back on a Proctologist.

THE RULE OF WARNING DEVICES:

Any Ambulance, whether it is responding to a call or traveling to a Hospital, with Lights and Siren, will be totally ignored by all motorists, pedestrians, and dogs which may be found in or near the roads along its route.

COROLLARY 1: Ambulance Sirens can cause acute and total, but transient, deafness.

COROLLARY 2: Ambulance Lights can cause acute and total, but transient, blindness. note: This Rule does not apply in California, where all pedestrians and motorists are apparently oblivious to any and all traffic laws.

THE LAW OF SHOW-AND-TELL:

A virtually infinite number of wide-eyed and inquisitive school-aged children can climb into the back of any Ambulance, and, given the opportunity, invariably will.

COROLLARY 1: No emergency run will come in until they are all inside the Ambulance and playing with the equipment.

COROLLARY 2: It will take at least four times as long to get them all out as it took to get them in.

COROLLARY 3: A vital piece of equipment will be missing.

THE RULE OF ROOKIES:

The true value of any rookie EMT, when expressed numerically, will always be a negative number. The value of this number may be found by simply having the rookie grade his or her ability on a scale from 1 to 10.

For rookie EMT's medical skill: 1 = Certified Health Hazard, 10 = Jonny or Roy.

For rookie EMT's behind the wheel: 1 = Obstruction to Navigation, 10 = Mario Andretti.

The true value of the rookie is then found by simply negating the rookie's self-assigned value.

COROLLARY 1: Treat any rookie assigned to your Unit as you would a Bystander. (See The First Rule of Bystanders, above.)

THE RULE OF RULES:

As soon as an EMS Rule is accepted as absolute, an exception to that Rule will immediately occur.

By The Way - Murphy was an optimist!

Stolen from the net by Chief@Fireweb.com


If you have a joke that you would like to submit to this page please E-Mail it to:

Gary R. Anderson
anderson@voy.net
anderson_g@a1.cps.k12.tn.us




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